Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
