Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize