beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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