I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
