I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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