hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
