Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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