i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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