When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
