I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
