I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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