oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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