I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
