I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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