Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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