Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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