I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
