Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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