I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
