Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
