have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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