I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
