I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
