Me. At least after what I've been through.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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