Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
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I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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