I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
