I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
