My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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