i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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