explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
