Define "chronic" masturbator.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
