If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
