I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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