apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
