hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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