She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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