I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
