3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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