You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
