you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
