Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
