My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
