Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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