I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You are the jesus of drinking
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
