i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
