Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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