I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
