Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
