and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
