i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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