It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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