How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
