yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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