What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
