my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
