I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
