someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
