I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
